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From Fixing Others to Flourishing Ourselves
From Fixing Others to Flourishing Ourselves
My Friends,
My Friends,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the tug of war. We face this struggle across every part of our lives. It happens in our homes with family and friends. It happens at work within our professional circles. It even happens on a larger scale within our societies and our world. We believe that if everyone would just think like us, everything would finally click into place.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the tug of war. We face this struggle across every part of our lives. It happens in our homes with family and friends. It happens at work within our professional circles. It even happens on a larger scale within our societies and our world. We believe that if everyone would just think like us, everything would finally click into place.
We spend an incredible amount of emotional currency trying to edit the people around us. We exhaust ourselves trying to solve people. We burn our own fuel trying to power someone else’s engine.
We spend an incredible amount of emotional currency trying to edit the people around us. We exhaust ourselves trying to solve people. We burn our own fuel trying to power someone else’s engine.
But here is the truth I’ve been sitting with. Trying to change someone else is like trying to teach a cat to bark and a dog to purr. It is frustrating for us. It is confusing for them. Ultimately, it is a massive waste of our time.
But here is the truth I’ve been sitting with. Trying to change someone else is like trying to teach a cat to bark and a dog to purr. It is frustrating for us. It is confusing for them. Ultimately, it is a massive waste of our time.
We focus on changing others because it is a brilliant distraction. It is much easier to point at someone else’s messy habits or wrong opinions than it is to look into the mirror and ask why this bothers us so much. When we try to force a change in others, we are essentially trying to operate a remote control for a television that is not ours. We click the buttons. We get angry when the channel does not move. We end up feeling powerless. The irony is that the only remote we own is the one pointed at our own internal state. It is our reactions. It is our boundaries. It is our perspective.
We focus on changing others because it is a brilliant distraction. It is much easier to point at someone else’s messy habits or wrong opinions than it is to look into the mirror and ask why this bothers us so much. When we try to force a change in others, we are essentially trying to operate a remote control for a television that is not ours. We click the buttons. We get angry when the channel does not move. We end up feeling powerless. The irony is that the only remote we own is the one pointed at our own internal state. It is our reactions. It is our boundaries. It is our perspective.
So, how do we actually make this shift? How do we stop being fixing professionals for everyone else and start doing the real work on ourselves?
So, how do we actually make this shift? How do we stop being fixing professionals for everyone else and start doing the real work on ourselves?
1. Practice Acceptance.
1. Practice Acceptance.
This does not mean we agree with everyone or that we tolerate disrespect. It means we stop arguing with reality. If someone is stubborn, we accept that this is who they are in this moment. Once we stop expecting them to be someone else, the tug of war rope falls slack. We save our energy.
This does not mean we agree with everyone or that we tolerate disrespect. It means we stop arguing with reality. If someone is stubborn, we accept that this is who they are in this moment. Once we stop expecting them to be someone else, the tug of war rope falls slack. We save our energy.
2. Investigative Curiosity.
2. Investigative Curiosity.
The next time we feel that surge of needing them to change or act differently, we can ask ourselves what this is triggering in us. Our desire to change others is rooted in our own fear, our need for safety, or our unhealed ego. If their behavior makes us angry, the work is not to fix them. The work is to investigate our anger.
The next time we feel that surge of needing them to change or act differently, we can ask ourselves what this is triggering in us. Our desire to change others is rooted in our own fear, our need for safety, or our unhealed ego. If their behavior makes us angry, the work is not to fix them. The work is to investigate our anger.
3. Set Boundaries. Not Ultimatums.
3. Set Boundaries. Not Ultimatums.
Changing others is about control. Changing ourselves is about protection. Instead of saying they need to stop talking to us like that, we can try deciding that we are not going to stay in conversations where we feel unheard. One is a demand on them. The other is a commitment to ourselves.
Changing others is about control. Changing ourselves is about protection. Instead of saying they need to stop talking to us like that, we can try deciding that we are not going to stay in conversations where we feel unheard. One is a demand on them. The other is a commitment to ourselves.
There is a strange paradox in life. When we change the way we show up, the people around us often change in response. If we stop being the person who takes the bait in an argument, the argument eventually dies. If we start living with more integrity and kindness, we create a new weather system in our relationships. People do not change because they were lectured into it. They change because the environment around them has shifted. They adapt to the new atmosphere we provide.
There is a strange paradox in life. When we change the way we show up, the people around us often change in response. If we stop being the person who takes the bait in an argument, the argument eventually dies. If we start living with more integrity and kindness, we create a new weather system in our relationships. People do not change because they were lectured into it. They change because the environment around them has shifted. They adapt to the new atmosphere we provide.
I am realizing that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others is not our expert advice or our corrections of each other. The greatest gift we can give is a version of ourselves that is grounded, self aware, and responsible for our own peace of mind.
I am realizing that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others is not our expert advice or our corrections of each other. The greatest gift we can give is a version of ourselves that is grounded, self aware, and responsible for our own peace of mind.
Instead of trying to be the architect of everyone’s life, we can be the gardener of our own. We can focus on weeding our own garden of judgment and planting a little more patience. When our garden is in bloom, it is a much better place for all of us to hang out.
Instead of trying to be the architect of everyone’s life, we can be the gardener of our own. We can focus on weeding our own garden of judgment and planting a little more patience. When our garden is in bloom, it is a much better place for all of us to hang out.
Let’s stop trying to win the tug of war. Let’s just drop the rope.
Let’s stop trying to win the tug of war. Let’s just drop the rope.
A next step for us:
A next step for us:
1. The Remote Control Check.
1. The Remote Control Check.
When we feel frustrated with someone else’s behavior, ask:
When we feel frustrated with someone else’s behavior, ask:
Are we trying to operate a remote that does not belong to us?
Are we trying to operate a remote that does not belong to us?
What part of our reaction is actually within our control?
What part of our reaction is actually within our control?
2. The Root Inquiry.
2. The Root Inquiry.
Why does this specific behavior in another person bother us so much?
Why does this specific behavior in another person bother us so much?
Does it mirror something we dislike in ourselves?
Does it mirror something we dislike in ourselves?
Does it challenge a rule we created about how the world should work?
Does it challenge a rule we created about how the world should work?
3. The Energy Audit.
3. The Energy Audit.
How much emotional energy are we spending trying to solve a problem that belongs to someone else?
How much emotional energy are we spending trying to solve a problem that belongs to someone else?
What could we achieve if we reinvested that energy into our own projects or peace of mind?
What could we achieve if we reinvested that energy into our own projects or peace of mind?
4. The Boundary vs. Control Test.
4. The Boundary vs. Control Test.
Are we trying to change their behavior?
Are we trying to change their behavior?
Are we deciding what we will and will not tolerate?
Are we deciding what we will and will not tolerate?
5. The Weather Question.
5. The Weather Question.
If we stopped trying to correct this person today, ask:
If we stopped trying to correct this person today, ask:
How would the weather of our relationship change?
How would the weather of our relationship change?
Would it get stormier, or would the sun finally come out because the pressure is gone?
Would it get stormier, or would the sun finally come out because the pressure is gone?
6. The Growth Gap.
6. The Growth Gap.
If we were ten percent more patient or ten percent more focused on our own goals, ask:
If we were ten percent more patient or ten percent more focused on our own goals, ask:
How would our perspective on this person shift?
How would our perspective on this person shift?
We are all works in progress. Let’s continue to support one another as we learn to focus less on fixing and more on flourishing. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and seeing how we can all grow together.
We are all works in progress. Let’s continue to support one another as we learn to focus less on fixing and more on flourishing. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and seeing how we can all grow together.
Love + Light,
Love + Light,
Andy
Andy
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